I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
