Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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