meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
