Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
