When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
