# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Sober January is a disaster.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
