the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
