I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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