I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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