He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize