I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
