So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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