I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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