haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My ass is underappreciated
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
