Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize