Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
