He managed to light the Jello on fire...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
