the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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