worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
bring money and cleavage
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
