Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
