just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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