im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
