you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
