woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
