Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
