Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
