U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
