I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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