Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
