Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
