Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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