My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Boobs speak an international language.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
