i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
