oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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