Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize