Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
