I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
