No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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