Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
