you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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