just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
