I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
