My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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