The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
