I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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