He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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