I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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