an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
