I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Are we still banned from the library?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
