haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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