I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
