I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
