Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
